BOCA BETH: One Song at a Time

Not sure what happened today……..perhaps it truly hit me that 8 weeks ago to the date and day my sister drove up to my home, our neighbor spotted her leaned over her car in my driveway sobbing and she had to deliver the news of us never being able to hear Mom’s voice again.

I will never forget my sister’s face, her voice, my neighbor praying with us right there in the early dawn of the day, asking Jesus to give us two girls strength to face the three children inside as they prepared for school and to then travel to Mom’s home and pay our last respects to the woman who raised us so lovingly.

I cried a lot today.  I was very subdued for Beth Butler, the always upbeat and ready with a smile / positive word mom, partner, friend and teacher.

Man…………I miss my Mom.  I think about all of the things she did for me that allowed me to become who I am today.  The struggles she faced with our Dad - both mental and physical as he himself fought alcoholism.  The night shifts she worked as a single mom once she got the courage to divorce him.  The money she would scrimp and save to put me - her first of all four kids - all the way through a four year college.  The smiles she found in what must have been the toughest of times as we got food stamps and other forms of assistance.  The Irish pride she instilled in us all to not allow what others say to prevent you from taking the next step forward. 

I have taken so many steps forward - many times feeling my mom cheering me on.  In fact, over the past 8 weeks since her death, I have had some amazing, terrific, wonderful news about various things in my life (personal and professional) - - - - I have reached for that phone countless times thinking, “Mom’s gonna love this one!”  Only to come back sharply to reality that MOM IS NOT ABLE TO TAKE THE CALL.   I refuse to say she is not here, because I know she is.  I feel her presence sometimes, I feel her strength often times and I feel her love all of the time.

My sister and I are convinced there are ‘God winks’ going on.  These are times when we know it’s Mom-driven, Mom-directed little signs…..I will give you just one shivery example and move on through my tears.  About a week after mom’s passing on to the Lord I was trying to make some sense of the piles of things my sister and I had gone through of mom’s belongings.   One of the things she had asked my 7-year-old daughter shortly before her death was, “What from Grandma’s new place would you like to have once I die?”  (I swear to this day my mom knew the end of her days here on Earth were drawing to an end.)

Megan had replied she wanted the bird clock - a clock that chimes on the hour with various bird calls.  Very charming and now hangs in Megan’s playroom.  On this particular day I had not made it over to that side of the house but had accumulated enough stuff to place some of Mom’s treasures that she had left for Megan in Megan’s room.  As I approached Megan’s room (which is right next to the play room where this clock hangs) the bird chime begins a long and melodious call as if from my Mom herself thanking me for taking the time to share her left behind treasures with her darling granddaughter who had spent the night with Grandma only 3 days before her death.

Mom, I know you are watching all of us.  I know your body is now free from the pain that the rheumatoid arthritis had infected your entire body with.  I know you are so proud of us four kids as we try to do what you wished - from the cremation to the Memorial Mass to the celebration of life party to the execution of your will with no bickering (okay, okay, I know you know there has been a tiny bit of tension but nothing realllllly bad).

Mom - I love you and miss you so much.  I will see you in Heaven.  Keep a glass of wine chilled for our first Happy Hour together in the Heavens!

Love, Your Baby Girl, Beth Ann